what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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