a queef is a wish your heart makes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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