I'm so fucking centered right now
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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