he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
