my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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