Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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