There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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