i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
