i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
