FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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