mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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