if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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