Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
