apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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