Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
