I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
