I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
