I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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