high people should be assigned attendants
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
