So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
