I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
