You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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