Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Vodka?
Forever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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