I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
