yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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