The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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