things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
