he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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