omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
