dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
