We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
