the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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