I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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