Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
