I faked an abortion last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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