I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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