My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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