Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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