In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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