I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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