I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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