You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
