i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there's paper in my vomit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
