Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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