his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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