birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
