Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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