i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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