how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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