You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
