there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
