dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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