Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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