Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
