I can text with my tongue
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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